Witze, Jokes, and Unbelievables, between the Sexes

Die Gute Fee

Hier ist eine Geschichte aus 1000 minus 1 Nacht. Die Nacht der Ernüchterung:

Eine gute Fee gab einem Mann einen Wunsch frei, aber nur Einen.

Der sagte: Ich möchte, dass mein Schwanz bis zum Boden reicht.

Die gute Fee wedelte ein bisschen mit ihrem Zauberstab, und Simsalabim,

Pling!

Und der Mann sah herunter: Er hatte nur noch 15 cm lange Beine.

Und die Moral von der Geschicht' :

Wünsche Dir Niemals etwas Unmögliches Nicht.

;-)

Das Universum der Schildkröten ...

Ein alter taoistischer Weiser wurde einmal gefragt:

Worauf ruht denn das Universum?

Da sagte er: Auf einer Schildkröte.

Darauf wurde er wieder gefragt:

Und worauf ruht denn diese Schildkröte?

Da sagte er: Auf noch einer Schildkröte.

Darauf wurde er wieder gefragt:

Ja, worauf ruht denn nun diese Schildkröte?

Da sagte er: Auf noch einer Schildkröte.

Darauf wurde er wieder gefragt:

Ja geht das denn immer so weiter?

Da sagte er: Ja, das schon, aber ganz langsam,

wie es eben so die Art von Schildkröten ist...

;-)

Die Gans in der Flasche

Der Meister sprach zum Schüler: Ich habe hier ein Koan, mit dem du zur Erleuchtung gelangen wirst, wenn du es löst. Stell dir vor, du nimmst ein gerade geschlüpftes Gänseküken, und tust es in eine Flasche. Dann fütterst du es, bis es eine schöne grosse Gans geworden ist. Wie bekommst du die Gans nun heraus, ohne die Flasche zu zerbrechen oder die Gans zu Hackfleisch zu machen?

Nach sieben Jahren Meditierens geht der Schüler zum Meister und sagt: Ich habe die Antwort!

Der Meister: Und die ist?

Version I:          Der Schüler: Ich stelle mir vor, sie ist schon draussen.

Version II:        Der Schüler: Ich habe aufgehört, mir vorzustellen, sie wäre drin.

Version III:       Der Schüler: Muh.

;-)

Der Hornochse

Der Meister sprach zum Schüler: Ich habe hier eine Meditationsaufgabe, mit der du zur Erleuchtung gelangen wirst, wenn du nur gut genug übst. Wenn du meditieren gehst, stell dir vor, du bist ein Hornochse, und visualisiere dir genau die Hörner, wie sie dir aus dem Schädel wachsen.

Der Schüler geht in seine Meditationshütte, und kommt nicht wieder raus.

Nach sieben Jahren geht der Meister zur Meditationshütte, um nachzusehen, wie es mit dem Schüler steht. Er ruft ihn und sagt: Du kannst jetzt rauskommen.

Von drinnen tönt die Antwort: Muh, kann nicht raus, Hörner passen nicht durch Türe!

;-)

Sound of One hand clapping

W.s  i.t  d.r  K.a.g  v.n  e.n.r  k.a.s.h.n.e.  H.n. ?

;-)

Schweige-Retreat

Drei Meditäter sind in einer Hütte auf einem 3-wöchigen Schweige-Meditations-Retreat. Sie dürfen bei Tageslicht nichts essen und vor allem nicht  sprechen. Am Nachmittag des ersten Tages schielt der Erste zu den leeren Tellern, und stößt den anderen an und sagt:

Oh, was hab ich für einen Hunger !

Der Zweite, wütend: Du Idiot, du hast das Schweigen gebrochen !

Der Dritte, selbstzufrieden: Ich hab zum Glück mit euren Streitereien nichts zu tun !

;-)

Die Nach-Meditations-Retreat-Meditation

Dies ist eine Meditation, die man unbedingt sofort nach jedem Seminar oder Retreat machen sollte,

das irgendwie mit Meditation, Erleuchtung, Spiritualität, Non-Dualität,

oder sonstigen esoterischen Themen zu tun hat:

Version Sommer: Ziehe Dich nackt aus und bitte eine/n Freund/in,

dich für eine halbe Stunde mit einem Büschel Brennesseln abzubürsten.

Version Winter: Ziehe Dich nackt aus, gehe nach draussen, und bitte eine/n Freund/in,

dich für eine halbe Stunde mit einem Wasserschlauch mit eiskaltem Wasser abzuspritzen.

Meditere dabei non-dual (one-pointedly) auf die Natur der Realität.

Kommentar: In den ersten 5 Minuten oder so wirst Du kaum etwas anderes tun können,

als non-dual bei deiner Empfindung zu sein.

Das ist übrigens ein altes Shinto-Ritual, das wohl gepflegt ist im Alten Japan.

;-)

Mind over Matter, or Matter over Mind

Version I:

What is matter? - Never mind.

What is mind? - Doesn't matter.

 

Version II:

Now, is it Mind over Matter ?

Or is it Matter over Mind ?

Does this really matter ?

Why should I ever mind ?

;-)

Genesis I:  Adams Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

;-)

Genesis II: "Where do pets come from?"

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?".

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be companion for Adam and Eve, and it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved...but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

;-)

Genesis III: I will not tell the story...

;-)  ;-)  ;-)

The Mighty Holy Triad. But he who knows that better than the Pope:

He will be burned at the stake. (In Memoria of St. Giordano Bruno).

I don't like that. Therefore, I will not tell the story.

Genesis IV

Gott hatte gerade die grundlegenden Strukturen des Menschen erschaffen

und nun war es an der Zeit für die Zusatzausstattungen. Sie sagte daher

zu Adam und Eva: "Ok, wir haben jetzt also alles Grundlegende. Wer von

euch beiden möchte im Stehen pinkeln können?"

Adam springt auf auf schreit: "Oh ja, ich, ich möchte im Stehen pinkeln können!!"

Gott sprach also: "Dies soll geschehen." Und Adam ging glücklich von dannen.

Dann wand sich Gott Eva zu und sprach: "Nun, sieht aus als ob alles, was

ich noch übrig hätte multiple Orgasmen wären."

;-)

Genesis V

"Was wäre passiert, hätte Eva zuerst vom Baum des Lebens gekostet und

dann erst vom Baum der Erkenntnis? Eva wäre unsterblich gewesen, und

statt Adam als Sklavin zu dienen, hätte sie seine Göttin sein können.

Chance verpasst - denken wir nicht mehr daran."

;-)

Genesis VI

Eines Tages im Garten Eden sagte Eva zu Gott: "Gott, ich habe ein Problem!"

"Was ist das Problem, Eva?"

"Gott, ich weiß, dass du mich erschaffen hast, mir diesen wunderschönen

Garten und all diese fabelhaften Tiere und diese zum Totlachen komische

Schlange zur Seite gestellt hast, aber ich bin einfach nicht glücklich."

"Warum bist du nicht glücklich, Eva?" kam die Antwort von oben.

"Gott, ich bin einsam, und ich kann Äpfel einfach nicht mehr sehen."

"Na gut, Eva, in diesem Fall habe ich die Lösung für dein Problem.  Ich

werde für dich einen Mann erschaffen und ihn dir zur Seite stellen."

"Was ist ein Mann?"

"Dieser Mann wird eine missratene Kreatur sein, mit vielen Fehlern und

schlechten Charakterzügen. Er wird lügen, dich betrügen und unglaublich

eitel und eingebildet sein. Im Grossen und Ganzen wird er dir das Leben

schwer machen. Aber er wird größer, stärker und schneller sein und er

wird es lieben zu jagen und Dinge zu töten. Er wird dümmlich aussehen,

wenn er erregt ist, aber da du dich ja beschwert hast, werde ich ihn

derart beschaffen, dass er deine körperlichen Bedürfnisse befriedigen

wird. Er wird witzlos sein und solch kindische Dinge wie Kämpfen und

einen  Ball herumkicken über alles lieben. Er wird auch nicht viel

Verstand  haben, so dass er deinen Rat brauchen wird, um vernünftig zu

denken."

"Klingt ja umwerfend", sagte Eva und zog dabei eine Augenbraue ironisch

hoch. "Wo ist der Haken, Gott?"

"Also... Du kannst ihn unter einer Bedingung haben."

"Und welche Bedingung ist das, Gott?"

"Wie ich schon sagte, wird er stolz und arrogant sein und sich selbst

stets am meisten bewundern... Du wirst ihn daher im Glauben lassen

müssen, dass ich ihn zuerst geschaffen hätte. Denk dran, das ist unser

beider Geheimnis...Du weißt schon, von Frau zu Frau..."

;-)

 

The Genie

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked

around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared

and thanked the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your

kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to

go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of

flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for

a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do

that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings

needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be

to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that

would be needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is

one other thing I have always wanted. I want to understand

women. What makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are they

temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with?

Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you

want two lanes or four ?"

;-)

Hen Service

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the

market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a

special rooster one that could service all of his many hens and

when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

"I have just the Rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest

Rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him

loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep

talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff".

And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a

thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying,

till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy

didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the

horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he

went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out,

"Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued,

seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next

morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his

lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his

long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above

Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look

what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my

little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

;-)

Harley Davidson

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,

dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson,

"Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have

changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you

want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,

Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to

the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "you have some major design flaws in your

invention:

There's too much front end protrusion

It chatters at high speeds

The rear end wobbles too much, and

The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial

Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the

result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads

it. "It may be that my invention is flawed,"

God replies to Arthur Davidson, "But according to my computer,

more people are riding my invention than yours."

 

Spiritual, and other Vacuum Cleaners

What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?

"Too many attachments! "

What is god?

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

The Lord Provides

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

US Bumper Stickers

It is a tradition in the US for people to make statements through stickers they stick on their car bumpers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers:-

"Procrastinate now"

"My Karma ran over my Dogma!!"

"Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Vegetarians visualize or meditate on whirled peas"

;-)

God is missing

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.

The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, "Where is God ?"

Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, "Where is God ?"

Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy's

face and screamed, "WHERE IS GOD ?"

Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.

His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,

"What happened to you ?"

Billy yelled, "We're in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and

they think WE did it."

;-)

Why is it necessary to be quiet in church

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"

;-)

Made by God

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when he asked,

"Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa,

as well as his own reflection in the mirror,

while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," he said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

;-)

The Pope's Tour

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was

taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo,

he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the

chauffeur knew he couldn't say no to the Pope, so he climbed

into the back of the limo while the Pontiff took the wheel.

The Pope proceeded to hop on Route 95 and started accelerating

to see what the limo could do. He had the limo to about 90 miles

per hour when, WHAM!, the friendly blue lights of the State

Police appeared in his mirror.

The Pope pulled over and the trooper came to his window. The

trooper instantly saw who it was and figured it would be better

if he called in for procedure. The trooper radioed in and asked

for the chief:

"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to

know what to do." The chief replied,

"Who is it, not Ted again?"

"No," said he trooper, "even more important."

"Oh no, have you pulled the Governor over?"

"No, even more important."

"Whoa! Don't tell me you've pulled over the President?!"

"No, more important," replied the trooper.

"Who could be more important than the President?!" screams the

chief.

"I don't know who it is," says the trooper. "All I know is he's

got the Pope as his chauffeur...."

;-)

 

Condoms

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The

pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks

which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and

she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's

"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then

we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky

after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so

you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening,

he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He

asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins

the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were

such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your

father is a pharmacist."

;-)

 

Catholic Mass

A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church slipped and

fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.

Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her

from the Church steps.

"Are you OK ?" he asked.

"Yes, but is Mass out?" she asked.

"No ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."

Last Supper

Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to

the Vatican and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered

envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his

head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.

This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year

recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief

Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to

the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor,

the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told

to, in turn, by his predecessor . . . but then the Pope said,

"This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in

this envelope?"

"Damned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here

myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out."

"Good idea," said the Pope. So together, they slowly and

carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found?

The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

;-)

 

The Pope and The Seven Dwarfs

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his

speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a

question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey

questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in

Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns

anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns

anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start

chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

Fish

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He

looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his

boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would

like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which

the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it

a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish

and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa,

what a big son-of-a-bitch!"

The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry Father,

but that's what this fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the

trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the

Bishop. "Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!"

"Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a

house of God."

"No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this

fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!"

"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this

son-of-a-bitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop

takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior

at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this

son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?"

"My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior.

"No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called -

a son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like

you to cook it."

"Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that

son-of-a-bitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with

the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks

where they got it. "I caught the son-of-a-bitch!", said the

Priest.

"And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop.

"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but

then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,

"You know, you fuckers are alright".

The Cabby and the Nun

A cabby picked up a nun. As he was driving her to her

destination, they started to talk. The cabby said, "Sister, I've

always had a fantasy about nuns." She asked him to go on. "I'm

embarrassed to say, but I've always thought it would be great to

get a blow job froma nun."

"Well, I could help you out there, but first I must know that

you are not married and that you are Catholic"

"Oh yes Sister, I'm a single Catholic." So she instructed him to

turn into an alley. After the deed was done and they were back

on the road, the cabby began to cry. The nun asked what was

wrong now and the cabby said, "Sister, I feel terrible because

the truth is I'm Jewish and I'm also married."

She said, "That's OK, I'm really Scott and you're taking me to a

Halloween Party!"

;-)

 

Similarities Between Jesus and Elvis

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)

Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.

Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.

Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)

Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members

Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.

Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and

drink." (John 7:37)

Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.

Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for

breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)

Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel

According to Matthew)

Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A

Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white

as snow." (Matthew 28:3)

Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.

Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate

Conception.

Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate

Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.

Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still

considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.

Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.

Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.

Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.

Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.

Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.

No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron"or

"Aaron"

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like

a gold plate.

Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold

through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."

Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

;-)

 

Is God a male or a female ???

A nine year old boy came to his mother with a very troubled look

on his face. "Mom," he said, "is God a male or a female?"

"Well, that's a very hard question to answer," said his mom.

"But the easiest way to think of it is that God is both male and

female."

A troubled look swept across the boy's face. "But Mom, is God

black or white?" The mother, with some concern about where this

line of questions might end up, answered, "I guess you would

have to say that God is both black and white."

The boy was obviously filled with tremendous confusion as he

started to form his third question. The mother, by now, was

becoming somewhat alarmed. She braced herself for the next

question. "Mom, is God gay or straight?" She took a deep breath

and said, "God is both gay and straight."

The look of total consternation melted away as the boy's face

lit up. The mother sighed to herself, relieved that he finally

"got it."

"Mom?" he asked. "Is God Michael Jackson?"

;-)

 

Heaven's Full

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something

had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at

the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly

story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not,

they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter

tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full

today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds

good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."

 

"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my

wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early

and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and

she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment

searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered

that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we

have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I

beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got

a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below.

I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed

over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave

me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That

really is bad! You can go ahead..."

 

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven

being full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the

second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment

building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today

I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the

balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and

started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I

was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my

hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the

bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for

the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it

landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a

good one too! You can go ahead..."

 

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about

Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of

how he died. "Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what

happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."

;-)

 

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly

speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The

monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on

the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I

start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, the next Sunday he took

the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got

nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon

return to his office after mass, he found the following note on

his door:

 

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,

Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't

say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take

this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the

Cherry".

The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,

thanks for the grub, yeah G-d"

Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.

Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

;-)

 

Easter

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde

replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when

everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

 

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second

blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December

when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the

birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes

his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over

his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

 

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the

eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter,

incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides

with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples

were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and

turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans

took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to

wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails

through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was

sealed off by a large boulder."

 

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved

aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow,

there will be six more weeks of winter."

(This is from the Groundhog Day).

;-)

 

Elerderly Priest

An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing

during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday

morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so

many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For

thirty years, people have been saying to me "I have cheated with

Anthony... I have cheated with Mary... I have cheated with

Frankie." I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on,

when you come into my confessional, you will say "I have fallen

with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie." No more using the

word CHEAT. It will be FALL."

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a

younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the

change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first

round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the

mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to

have to do something about the deplorable condition of the

streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they

are falling all over the place." The mayor immediately

understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and

laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be

laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three

times!"

;-)

 

Some more

Foreign Languages

The following were among winners in a New York Magazine contest

in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a

foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a

definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French Motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I

conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore, I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish

POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous.

MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old.

HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort.

ALOHA OY -- Love, greetings, farewell. From such a painyou

should never

MAZEL TON -- tons of luck.

VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.

COGITO ERGO SAM -- Sam I am (I think)

The Frog

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go golfing. He

is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the

green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot, when he

hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,

"Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove that

the frog is wrong. He puts his first club back into his bag and

grabs his 9 iron. Boom!!!

He drives the ball within ten inches of the cup! The man is

shocked and says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be

a lucky frog, hunh?" The frog replied, "Lucky frog. Ribbit."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think, frog?" he asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The man

takes out the 3 wood. Boom!!

A hole in one! The man is totally befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best day

in his whole life. He asks the frog, "Where to next?" and the

frog replied, "Las Vegas. Ribbit."

They go to Las Vegas and the man says, "Okay, frog. Now what?"

The frog responded, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the

table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet, frog?" The

frog says, "Ribbit. $3,000. Black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf

game, the man figures, what the heck? Boom!!! A mountain of cash

comes sliding back to him across the table! He takes his

winnings and checks into the finest suite in the casino's hotel.

The man sets the frog down on a table and says, "Frog, I don't

know how I can ever repay you. You won me the best golf game of

my life, and now all of this money. I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." The man figures, why not,

since after all the frog did for him, he deserves at least a

kiss. With the kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous fifteen

year old girl.

"And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room..."

...

Dies ist nicht so ganz Jugendfrei.

Denn, wenn jemand eine minderjährige Person auf Seinem Zimmer hat

(unter 18 Jahren):

Dann ist er der Ganz bestimmten, dem USA- Kriminal- Gerichts- Verfahren ausgesetzt.

Dafür sorgt schon die USA- Gerichts- Bar-keit, dass diese Leute,

schon ziemlich viele Jahre im Gefängnis sitzen müssen.

Obwohl sie keine Ahnung davon hatten. Wissen ist Macht.

Weiss nix, macht nix.

Pereat mundus. Wenn auch die Welt daran zugrunde geht:

Das Römische Recht muss immer gewahrt bleiben.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiat_iustitia,_et_pereat_mundus

Auch wenn sie das gar nicht wollten.

Der arme Frosch kann wirklich garnichts dafür.

;-)

Only In Merry Olde England (actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling

humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and

he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth

move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why

he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was

pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read

'Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that

read

'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling'. I was even more amused when

she sat under a shaving advertisement which read

'William Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself

any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an

advertisement which read

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident'."

He won the case.

Class Assingment

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the

importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses

will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or

a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up:

"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up

laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other

hand."

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets

ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg

adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met

by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new

bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.

Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

"Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor.

Hell, even the toilet's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe

his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a

place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the

place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers

the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden toilets?" There's a long pause, then the

woman hears the bartender yelling,

"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who shit in your

Tuba!"

Golf: The Hit-Man

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday.

Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a

guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends

looked at each other and then looked at the man and said "sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got

curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked

him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends

kind of laughed.

The man said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf

bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you

like."

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and

sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He

got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house

through here! May I look?" The stranger said "sure."

So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can

even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife,

naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor!

He's naked too!"

This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be

for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the

trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits.

I want you  to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always

nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot

my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my

wife."

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope.

He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get

impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman

replies "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand

bucks."

;-)

Contest: The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they

are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to

give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of

them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the

forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After

three months of extensive investigations they conclude that

rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the

forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they

make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly

beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm

a rabbit!

;-)

T-G-I-F

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered

the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted

him by saying "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and

replied "S-H-I-T"(letters only). She looked at him, puzzled, and

said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T". The

blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile

and said as sweetly as possible "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with the

quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T". The blond finally decided to

explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness

Its Friday; getit?"

The man answered, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".

Punk

An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The

punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, and orange, and he's

got feather earrings. He sees the guy staring at him. He says

"What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"

The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot.

I thought maybe you were my kid."

;-)

Barbie

A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York and

says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie

dolls?"

She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie @

$15.95 Vacation Barbie @ $15.95 Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and

Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"

The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbies o much?

She looks the same to me."

The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes

complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's money!, Ken's etc.

etc.

;-)

Battery

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should

have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I

can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant

convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked."

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and

the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the

door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about

the batteries...it's a long walk."

The Art of Sales

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city

department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world

- you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you

ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I am the best salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow

and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long

and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came

around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did

you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30

sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirtyfour dollars,"

said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a

small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large

hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a

then a huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he

said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I

took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty

foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen

probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car

department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold

all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"

"No..." answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of

Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot,

you may as well go fishing."

;-)

Pysudonom

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he

wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show

me what you do."

The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit,

does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to

impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I

can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V."

(This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."

"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.

"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.

"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name,

nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to

change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few

months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see

ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have

ya changed your name?"

With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every

agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van

Lesbian. So I've changed it".

"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"

"Dick Van Dyke."

;-)

This is truly the end of civilization as we know it.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of

them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and

shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you

for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets

the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick

someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows

if you vote for it. After the election, the president is

impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the

affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains

and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates

what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays

you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one,

milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it

requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which

you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the

area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging

markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues

an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually instigates

legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider

trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and

sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7

weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then, .

. .

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to

your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap

with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back

with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6

cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman

Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who

sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company

and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says

that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more.

Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from

milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal

calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and

denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of

"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism,

intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to

society) bovines of unpecified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man.

You got to have some of this milk!

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to

take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTY: Whatever.

Cars

ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead

AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW - Bavarian Money Waster

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony

FORD - Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On

Foot

GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never

Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

JEEP - Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly

KIA - Korea's Incompetence Amazing

MAZDA - Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually

MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially

Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents

LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually

Every Road

PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

PORSCHE - Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have +Em

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Autos Always

Breakdown

SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile

VW - Virtually Worthless

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

;-)

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa.

Tickle-Me-Elmo

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they

made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost

quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work

on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the

assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to

shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went

down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very

busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting

for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth

bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the

dolls.

When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said

to give each doll two test-tickles.

 

It Keeps Growing....

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed

someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned

around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding

none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger

letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she

looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she

proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a

week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting

word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the

previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the

same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more

you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Chinese Food

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man

commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years

old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years

old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he

replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

;-)

Biker

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey

highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in

the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut

that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets

closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large

piece of metal lying in the road. Too late!

His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the

handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH. Well, when he arrives in

Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil

himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks

mockingly,

"So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he

decides to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the

Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it

now?"

Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great

Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot

afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat

up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets.

The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the

biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and

robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat

all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and

asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker

inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos

f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

;-)

Art: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several

paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,

breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the

goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline

van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make

such an obvious error, he replied:

(brace yourself) ... (this is going to hurt) ... (really bad.) ...

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

;-)

Even more

Jagermeister

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get

you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"

responded the young man.

"6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first

blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you

a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,

nothing will."

;-)

The Hyper-Active Aphrodisiac

An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the

doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years.

She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After

listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have

just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right

before dinner...."

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and

exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is

much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like

you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got

a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the

table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the

table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of

the broken dishes."

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at

that restaurant any more!!"

;-)

Mental Health

Sam has been in the mental health business for 25 years and is

finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres

of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a

month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months

or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when

someone knocks on the door. He opens it and there is a big,

bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch...... your neighbor from four miles over the

ridge.....having a party Saturday.....thought you'd like to

come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet

some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops,

"gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in the mental health business,

I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to

leave, Enoch stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam

thinks....tough crowd.

"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door.

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone

for six months! I'll definitely be there.....by the way, what

should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's

just gonna be the two of us."

;-)

Friends

There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and

become great friends. During college, they had a great time.

Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle

of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own

separate way. Two or three years later, they ran into one

another on the street. They were very happy to see each other,

and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what

he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker", responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always

the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the

friend.

"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a

hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the

bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take

him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave

it a good swat.....You want to talk about excitement, I was in

the wrong room!!!"

 

Elbow Pain

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess

I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!

There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything,

quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of

your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell

you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a

urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,

he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer

started making some noises and the various lights started

flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper

on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in

warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

...

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology

was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to

wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a

try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his

dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,

he masturbated into the concoction.

...

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in

the sample and deposited the $10. The machine made the usual

noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is

too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him

vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab. Your

wife's pregnant. It ain't yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't

stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

;-)

Fruit

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now

class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of

fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny

raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and

picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

...

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the

second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well,

Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the

teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on

Billy. "Is it a peach?"

...

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.

Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now

Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The

teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she

says.

...

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your

thinking."

...

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey,

I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.

Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

...

"Johnny!" she cries."That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your

thinking!

;-)

Bump

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into

a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her

breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft

as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in

room 436."

;-)

Saddle

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of

gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride

to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop

that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final

Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off. "My God!" says the gas station

guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him

holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my

arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady,"says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

;-)

Neighbor

A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young

couple moving next door. The husband of the couple opened the

moving van, removed a hammock and proceded to set up the hammock

in the back yard.

Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes.

After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold

beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband. She then

proceded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.

This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door

to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily,

"you ought to be hung!"

The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."

;-)

Ghost

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had

experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a

ghost?"

Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken

with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched

a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little

man in the back row puts up his hand...

The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man

and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a

ghost?"

The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you

correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

;-)

Abstaining from sex

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a

young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must

abstain from having sex for two weeks."

...

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The

pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to

abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were

you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second

week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,

yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

...

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well,

were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two

weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and

dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome

with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome

in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot

anymore either."

;-)

Examination

This sweet young thing enters a doctor's office for her annual

physical. The doctor has her disrobe and sit on the examining

table. Right off he notices a rash all across her chest in the

shape of an "H". "How did that happen?" he asks. She says, "My

boyfriend is a big football star at Harvard, and he won't take

off his letter sweater when we fool around."

Strange, thinks the doctor, but to each his own. Some time later

another sweet young thing enters the same doctor's office for

her annual physical. Same drill disrobe, and sit on the

examining table. The doctor notices an almost identical rash on

this girl's chest, only this time, it's in the shape of a "Y".

"How did you get this rash?" the doctor asks. The sweet young

thing replies, "Oh, my boyfriend is a letter man at Yale, and he

won't take his sweater off when we fool around." "Oh" says the

doctor.

...

Not a half hour after this young lady leaves, another sweet

young thing comes in for her annual physical. Again the doctor

notices a rash on her chest in the shape of a giant "M". The

doctor says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Minnesota

State!" "No" says the sweet young thing. "But I have a

girlfriend who goes to Wellesley."

;-)

A little rhyme

Jim woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife

wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in

the kitchen. Jim was afraid he might spoil things by getting up,

so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

  The Tent Pole Is Up,

  The Canvas Is Spread,

  The Hell With Breakfast,

  Come Back To Bed.

 

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

  Take The Tent Pole Down

  Put The Canvas Away

  The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage

  No Circus Today.

 

So he sent another note down. It read:

  THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP

  AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD

  SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING

  AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

 

  I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S

  THE BEST IN THE LAND

  BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW

  SO DO IT BY HAND!

;-)

The Genie

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked

around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared

and thanked the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your

kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to

go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of

flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for

a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do

that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings

needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be

to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that

would be needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is

one other thing I have always wanted. I want to understand

women. What makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are they

temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with?

Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you

want two lanes or four ?"

;-)

Oregon Whale

I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it

all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in

Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a

45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The

responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the

Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that

highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large

objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember,

I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with

dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into

small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would

be that. A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton

of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not

guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the

videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the

universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge

blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators

shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone

changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's

voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears

the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation

suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale

blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car

parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the

beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium

units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt

permanently relocated to Brazil.

This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we

watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for

gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon

State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning

up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the average IQ of

their employees.

;-)

 

Performance Evaluations

Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and

has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid

curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of

a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a

rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change

whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to

achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the

better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Hope you guy's get this, if not tooooooooooo bad..."

 

Safety Announcement: Bear Warning

If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and

Summer, please note the following public service announcement:

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their

clothing when hiking in bear country.

...

The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be

careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears. Tourists

are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying

particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the

presence of Kodiak/brown bears. One can easily spot a

Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that

contain those tiny bells.

;-)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

ARTHUR ANDERSON: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road

was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was

faced with significant challenges to create and develop the

competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen

Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped

the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and

implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model

(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,

methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the

chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its

overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen

Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts

and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep

skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day

itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal

knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them

to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit

goals of delivering and successfully architecting and

implementing and enterprise wide value framework across the

continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was

held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful

environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and

built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and

aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.

This was conducive towards the creation of a total business

integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken

change to become more successful.

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment

would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we

were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g

reason.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone

before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

JOHNNY ROTTEN: Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.

JOHNNY CARSON: Because it heard there was a man over there

laying bricks and it wanted to see for itself!

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.

The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and

keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens

will be free to cross roads without having their motives called

into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the

chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed

the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How

many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,

the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who

cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever

motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why

doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this

chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken

crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,

which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your

important documents, and balance your cheque book.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross

the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same

time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken

crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been

naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically

disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved

beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it

transcended it.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

;-)

Great Marketing Screw-Ups

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it

was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the

following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an

Electrolux".

Clairol introduced their "Mist Stick" curling iron into Germany,

only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many

people had use for a "Manure Stick."

When Gerber Started selling baby food in Africa, they used the

same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby

on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies

routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most

people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name

of a notorious porn mag.

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the

Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I

saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la

papa).

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a

tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an

aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",

meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with

was," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000

characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le,"

translating into "happiness in the mouth."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads

were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and

embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word

"embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read:

"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

 

Essay

This essay comes from an unknown writer, but apparently got the

person accepted into a good school.

3a. Essay

In Order For The Admissions Staff Of Our College To Get To Know

You, The Applicant, Better, We Ask That You Answer The Following

Question: Are There Any Significant Experiences You Have Had, Or

Accomplishments You Have Realized, That Have Helped To Define

You As A Person?

 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing

ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch

breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat

retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write

award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I

tread water for three days in a row.

 

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can

pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I

cook Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert

in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

 

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once

single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin

from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I

was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous

documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges

in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after

school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

 

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless

bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of

corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen,

yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have

won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a

traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft

floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany

circles. Children trust me.

 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly

accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David

Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire

dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every

food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert

operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I

sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully

negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small

bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

 

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all

paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in

full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life

but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four

course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed

prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,

cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the

Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart

surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

 

Airplane Windshields

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on

airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the

aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-

craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break,

it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during

flight.

 

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull

a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its

windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device

from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the

locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went

through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a

major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

 

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the

FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to

repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

 

S.Africans take flamethrower aboard to fight crime

JOHANNESBURG, Dec 11 (Reuters) - Crime-obsessed South Africans

have a new and potent weapon with which to deter potential

criminals -- the in-car flamethrower.

 

Casting a man-high fireball with no damage to the paintwork, the

aptly named Blaster has been fitted to 25 South African vehicles

since its launch last month. At 3,900 rand ($655), it offers a

cheap and dramatic defence against would-be car hijackers. It

has also yet to be deemed illegal.

 

South African courts sanction lethal action if they can be

persuaded that someone acted in defence of his or her life --

not unheard-of in a country that suffered over 13,000 car

hijackings last year.

 

The Blaster fires liquified gas from a bottle in the vehicle

boot through two nozzles, positioned under the front doors,

which is then ignited by an electric spark, with ferocious

consequences.

 

Both sides fire simultaneously, regardless of whether the attack

is coming from just one side of the vehicle -- or whether

passersbys are on the other side.

 

"My personal feeling is that it would definitely blind a person

-- he will never see again," said Charl Fourie, the Blaster's

33-year-old inventor.

 

But he dismissed fears that the flamethrower -- whose breadth

and depth of blast can be adjusted to need and is supplied by

gas cannisters in sizes from three to nine kgs (6.6 to 19.8

pounds) -- could ever be responsible for a death. "This is

definitely non-lethal...A person won't just stand there and let

you roast him," he said.

 

Fourie has filed an international patent application and

anticipates thousands of orders, nationally and from abroad.

"The demand is huge," he told Reuters Television. South Africa

has an appalling reputation for violent crime and its first

national survey, published on Thursday, found that 20 percent of

households had experienced at least one incident in 1997.

 

Car hijacking is one of the crimes South Africans most fear,

with criminals often using weapons and showing little or no

hesitation to kill for a car.

 

Police Superintendent David Walkley of Johannesburg's crime

intelligence unit was the Blaster's first customer and is

satisfied it is all above board -- provided it is used corectly.

"There is nothing that says this is illegal. It depends entirely

on the circumstances and whether you can justify self-defence.

 

"Yes, there are certain risks in using it, but there are also

risks in not having anything at all," he said.

 

Exxon Oil Spill

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez

oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of

the most expensively saved animals were released back into the

wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later

they were both eaten by a killer whale.

Mental disturbance

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a

carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his

reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her

repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

 

Terrorist Bomb

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a

letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he

lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million

severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking

intelligence...

 

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to

subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that

the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and

give himself up...

 

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist

and forced him to drive to two different automated teller

machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from

his own bank accounts...

 

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day

suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week -

for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the

mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West

Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a

cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's

"zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the

"zero-intelligence" policy...

 

Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed,

here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

On Sears hair dryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

 

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

 

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

 

Some Swanson frozen dinners:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

 

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:

Fits one head.

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating

 

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:

Do not iron clothes on body

 

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine

Do not drive car or operate machinery

 

On Nytol (a sleep aid):

Warning: may cause drowsiness

 

On a Korean kitchen knife:

Warning keep out of children

 

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

 

On a Japanese food processor:

Not to be used for the other use

 

On Sainsbury's Peanuts

Warning: contains nuts

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

 

On a Swedish chain saw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

 

D.A.R.E. PROGRAM WARNING It is a sick world.

The police officer that works with the DARE program at my

husband's elementary school passed this warning on to us and now

I share it with you....

 

If you're ever driving after dark and see an on-coming car with

no headlights turned on, DO NOT flash your lights at them! This

is a common gang member "initiation game" that goes like this:

the new gang member under initiation drives along with no

headlights and the first car to flash their headlights at him is

now his "target".

 

He is now required to turn around and chase that car and shoot

at or into the car in order to complete his initiation

requirements.

 

This Is Not A Joke!

Watch out for a new trend that's occurring. Drug users are now

taking their used needles and putting them into the coin return

slots in public telephones. People are putting their fingers in

to recover coins or just to check for change and are getting

stuck by these needles, which are infected with hepatitis, HIV,

and other diseases. This message is intended to make everyone

aware of this danger. Parents be aware! Kids are naturally drawn

to check for change. The change isn't worth it! This information

came straight from phone company workers, through an EMT

instructor, advising the paramedics to be aware of this new

trend.

Yesterday a Fed Ex courrier came in off the road and told me

He went to deliver a pkg...he knocked on door....reply came "who

is it?" He answered Fed Ex.

He waited 2 minutes no one came to the door....he knocked

again....reply came "who is it?" He answer Fed EX!.....he waited

another couple of minutes no one came to door. He figured I'll

give it one more try....He knocked again...the same reply came

"who is it?" He said LADY ITS FED EX....figuring maybe she was

hard of hearing.....but no one came to the door......

On his way down the driveway a car pulled up and a lady stepped

out and said "you have a package for me?" in the same voice as

the person who said "who is it?"

He told her what happened when he knocked on her door.... she

then showed him her "who is it" parrot :)

Naked Couple

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the

breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his

wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah." she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were

sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked

as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say… should we get

naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the

table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My

nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One is in your

coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

A Good Man is Hard to

A Good Man is Hard to..

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent

man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she

is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and

sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says,

"I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're

loyal?" "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in Nam. That's

where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over 3 million a year. I have my own software company.

You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I

know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Seen at the Beach

There is a guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts

weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks int the mirror and admired his body. He

noticed that he is really sun-tanned

all over, except his penis, and decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in

the  sand, except for his penis,

which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach and one

looked down and said, "There really is

no justice in this world". The other little old lady said -

"What do you mean?" The first little old

lady said - "Look at that."

 

When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.

When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.

When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.

When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

 

And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing

wild............


Sex life

Here's A Few Tips

While there is no such thing as a "born lover," sexual

techniques can be learned. Recently, a panel of the world's most

respected relationship experts developed the following list of

recommendations that can help even the most accomplished lover:

 

1. Be single.

2. Have lots of money. The experts all agreed: Money is sexy!

3. If you're already married, get divorced. Married people

rarely have sex, and when they do, it is oftentimes not with

their spouses.

4. If divorce is not feasible due to circumstances such as

loving your spouse or owning a house together, then don't have

children. Children are to a hot sex life as wars are to

peacetime.

5. Don't have a job. Work it time-consuming and can leave you

feeling tired. For a great sex life, you'll need time and

energy!

6. Drive a shiny Lexus. Studies have shown that people who own

shiny Lexi enjoy a high frequency of copulation and lead more

satisfying lives in general.

7. Wear fancy clothes.

8. Go to a bar that other horny single people are known to

frequent. Horny singles are often looking to have sex.

9. Don't be picky. The experts said that by lowering your

standards, you can increase your universe of possible sexual

partners.

10. Men, buy drinks for women. Alcohol has been shown to

increase sexual drive while it lessens inhibitions.

11. Women, drink up!

12. Use clever conversational techniques to indicate your

interest in casual sex. For example, say "Hello," or, "Got a

light?"

13. Avoid using such phrases as "I have crabs."

14. If you don't smoke, learn to. Not only does smoking provide

an excellent reason for saying, "Got a light?" but sucking on

burning, carcinogenic material shows you'll put most anything in

your mouth.

15. Mention your shiny Lexus.

16. Concentrate on secreting pheromones, which will convey on a

molecular level your desirability and sexual prowess. Send out

thought beams to corroborate.

17. Men, buy Jell-O shots. Jell-O is an efficient

alcohol-delivery system. Plus, it wiggles!

18. Women, down the hatch!

19. When it nears time for the bar to close, suggest that the

two of you go back to your house.

20. If the other person asks what for, answer, "To do some

stuff."

21. On the way home, test the waters by performing oral sex on

your partner. It's best to try this only if you're not the one

driving.

22. Remember: Don't drink and drive.

23. At your house, smoke marijuana and watch a pornographic

video.

24. Say, "This video is getting me really hot. Let's screw."

25. Screw. The panel of experts said that screwing is an

excellent way to have a better sex life. Screwing long and

screwing often, they said, are signs of a healthy sex life.

Making love is no substitute for screwing.

26. Men, keep in mind that for women, sex is as much an

emotional experience as it is a physical one. Tell your partner

you love her. Say it like you mean it.

27. Women, know that for men, sex is all about ejaculating.

Don't let your partner do it until you've gotten yours.

28. Some people like to talk during sex. That's fine. Just be

sure to enunciate.

29. A good sex life means feeling comfortable in bed. Two

consenting adults shouldn't be embarrassed to do anything -

except licking toes. Feet are ugly and dirty and should be

avoided. If your partner asks you to lick his or her toes, the

experts recommend that you leave.

30. The next morning, call your partner a cab.

31. Be sure he or she doesn't intentionally leave behind any

personal items that might require a second meeting.

32. Call your married friends to tell them you got lucky last

night so that they may vicariously live through you.

33. Repeat tips Nos. 8-33 until you've achieved a more robust

and satisfying sex life.

Good luck and enjoy!

Eve

The Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I

have a problem!"

 

"What's the problem, Eve?"

 

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful

garden and all of these

wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just

not happy."

 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

 

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a

man for you."

 

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,

an enormous ego and an inability

to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give

you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and

faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at

fighting and kicking a ball about and

hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the

sack."

 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

 

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt

stick. But, you can have him on one

condition."

 

"What's that, Lord?"

 

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

------------------------------------------------------


Adams Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely,

so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

 

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

 

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be

called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your

clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She

will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the

middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've

had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will

freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will

never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will

support you and understand that you have important decisions to

make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

 

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

 

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

 

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided

the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?".

 

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked

with us every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are

lonesome and it is difficult for us to remember how much you

love us."

 

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you

that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my

love for you, so that you will love me even

when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or

unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you

are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

 

And God created a new animal to be companion for Adam and Eve,

and it was a good animal.

 

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with

Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I

have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot

think of a name for this new animal."

 

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a

reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of

my own name, and you will call him DOG."

 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and

loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And

Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord

and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.

They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are

worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are

loved...but perhaps too well."

 

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be

with them forever and who will see them as they are. The

companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will

know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat

would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's

eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly

improved.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was happy.

 

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

 

------------------------------------------------------                                        

 

The Rride

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.

The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The

woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is

hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang

and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't

believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The

man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip

off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and

says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've

removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell

kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I

have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an

orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you

taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Get Some Knickers

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf

and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught

her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on

the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she

wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and

angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance

that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,

"Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some

knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on

a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again

her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing

any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily

demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I

cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and

said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some

knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot

on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over

her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her

explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others.

Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,

"Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

A Virgins guide to sex in the 90s

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have

many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this

sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex

therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered

about.

 

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?

 

A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has

a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming

should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr

Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and

that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the

kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around

watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks

interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty

boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I

recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly

reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a

few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you

from there.

 

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?

 

A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I

suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many

different kinds of bars.

 

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?

 

A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy -

so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be

afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in

restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an

offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then

invite them to back to your place.

 

Q: What if a man's married ?

 

A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable

experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by

any sort of commitment.

 

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?

 

A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find

yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and

family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's

thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your

relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good

his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important

matters.

 

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

 

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When

it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more

responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins.

It's a proven fact.

 

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

 

A: YES. Before if possible.

 

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

 

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to

remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without

question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain

things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

 

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

 

A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel

ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love,

he'll have a natural  desire to leave you suddenly, and go out

with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such

as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of

consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal

thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone

you can  busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his

apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive

gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

 

Q: What is "afterplay" ?

 

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish

his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important

activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes

lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing

him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out

and buy him an expensive gift.

 

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?

 

A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not

quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true.

The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters.

Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some

chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over,

you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and

do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry,

cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

 

Q: What about the orgasm ?

 

A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

 

Q: Are you sure ?

 

A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust

experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care

for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive

gift.

How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans,

fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,

bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug,

coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,

nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,

accessorize, leave, return, beseech, entertain, charm, lug, show

equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,

shower, shave, trust, grovel, defend, detoxify, sanctify, help,

clothe, brag about, acknowledge, polish, spoil, embrace, accept,

understand, nurse, respect, kill for, die for, dream of, tease,

snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, rub, tickle, taste, nibble, gratify,

take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her

existence, diddle, undulate, indulge, dazzle, amaze, enchant,

idolize, worship, and then go back and do it again.

 

How To Satisfy A Man Every Time:

Show up naked.               

Schopenhauer, die Weiber

Arthur Schopenhauer: Über die Weiber

 

Mit den Mädchen hat es die

Natur auf Das, was man im dramaturgischen Sinne, einen

Knalleffekt nennt, abgesehen, indem sie dieselben, auf wenige

Jahre, mit überreichlicher Schönheit, Reiz und Fülle ausstattet,

auf Kosten ihrer ganzen übrigen Lebenszeit, damit sie nämlich,

während jener Jahre, der Phantasie eines Mannes sich in dem Maße

bemächtigen könnten, daß er hingerissen wird, die Sorge für sie

auf Zeit Lebens, in irgend einer Form, ehrlich zu übernehmen; zu

welchem Schritte ihn zu vermögen, die bloße vernünftige

Ueberlegung keine hinlänglich sichere Bürgschaft zu geben

schien. Sonach hat die Natur das Weib, eben wie jedes andere

ihrer Geschöpfe, mit den Waffen und Werkzeugen ausgerüstet,

deren es zur Sicherung seines Daseins bedarf, und auf die Zeit,

da es ihrer bedarf; wobei sie denn auch mit ihrer gewöhnlichen

Sparsamkeit verfahren ist. Wie nämlich die weibliche Ameise,

nach der Begattung, die fortan überflüssigen, ja, für das

Brutverhältniß gefährlichen Flügel verliert; so meistens nach

einem oder zwei Kindbetten, das Weib seine Schönheit;

wahrscheinlich sogar aus dem selben Grunde. Dem entsprechend

halten die jungen Mädchen ihre häuslichen, oder gewerblichen

Geschäfte, in ihrem Herzen, für Nebensache, wohl gar für bloßen

Spaß: als ihren allein ernstlichen Beruf betrachten sie die

Liebe, die Eroberungen und was damit in Verbindung steht, wie

Toilette, Tanz u. s. w. Je edler und vollkommener eine Sache

ist, desto später und langsamer gelangt sie zur Reife. Der Mann

erlangt die Reife seiner Vernunft und Geisteskräfte kaum vor dem

acht und zwanzigsten Jahre; das Weib mit dem achtzehnten. Aber

es ist auch eine Vernunft danach: eine gar knapp gemessene.

Daher bleiben die Weiber ihr Leben lang Kinder, sehn immer nur

das Nächste, kleben an der Gegenwart, nehmen den Schein der

Dinge für die Sache und ziehn Kleinigkeiten den wichtigen

Angelegenheiten vor. Die Vernunft nämlich ist es, vermöge deren

der Mensch nicht, wie das Thier, bloß in der Gegenwart lebt,

sondern Vergangenheit und Zukunft übersieht und bedenkt; woraus

dann seine Vorsicht, seine Sorge und häufige Beklommenheit

entspringt. Der Vortheile, wie der Nachtheile, die Dies bringt,

ist das Weib, in Folge seiner schwächern Vernunft, weniger

theilhaft; vielmehr ist derselbe ein geistiger Myops, indem sein

intuitiver Verstand in der Nähe scharf sieht, hingegen einen

engen Gesichtskreis hat, in welchen das Entfernte nicht fällt;

daher eben alles Abwesende, Vergangene, Künftige, viel schwächer

auf die Weiber wirkt, als auf uns, woraus denn auch der bei

ihnen viel häufigere und bisweilen an Verrücktheit grenzende

Hang zur Verschwendung entspringt. Die Weiber denken in ihrem

Herzen, die Bestimmung der Männer sei, Geld zu verdienen, die

ihre hingegen, es durchzubringen; wo möglich schon bei Lebzeiten

des Mannes, wenigstens aber nach seinem Tode. Schon daß der Mann

das Erworbene ihnen zur Haushaltung übergiebt, bestärkt sie in

dem Glauben. - So viele Nachtheile Dies alles zwar mit sich fü

hrt, so hat es doch das Gute, daß das Weib mehr in der Gegenwart

aufgeht, als wir, und daher diese, wenn sie nur erträglich ist,

besser genießen, woraus die dem Weibe eigenthümliche Heiterkeit

hervorgeht, welche sie zur Erholung, erforderlichen Falles zum

Troste des sorgenbelasteten Mannes eignet. In schwierigen

Angelegenheiten, nach Weise der alten Germanen, auch die Weiber

zu Rathe zu ziehn, ist keineswegs verwerflich: denn ihre

Auffassungsweise der Dinge ist von der unsrigen ganz verschieden

und zwar besonders dadurch, daß sie gern den kürzesten Weg zum

Ziele und überhaupt das zunächst Liegende ins Auge faßt, über

welches wir, eben weil es vor unserer Nase liegt, meistens weit

hinwegsehn; wo es uns dann Noth thut, darauf zurückgeführt zu

werden, um die nahe und einfache Ansicht wieder zu gewinnen.

Hiezu kommt, daß die Weiber entschieden nüchterner sind, als

wir; wodurch sie in den Dingen nicht mehr sehn, als wirklich da

ist; während wir, wenn unsere Leidenschaften erregt sind, leicht

das Vorhandene vergrößern, oder Imaginäres hinzufügen. Aus der

selben Quelle ist es abzuleiten, daß die Weiber mehr Mitleid und

daher mehr Menschenliebe und Theilnahme an Unglücklichen zeigen,

als die Männer: hingegen aber im Punkte der Gerechtigkeit,

Redlichkeit und Gewissenhaftigkeit, diesen nachstehn. Denn in

Folge ihrer schwachen Vernunft übt das Gegenwärtige,

Anschauliche, unmittelbar Reale eine Gewalt über sie aus, gegen

welche die abstrakten Gedanken, die stehenden Maximen, die

festgefaßten Entschlüsse, überhaupt die Rücksicht auf

Vergangenheit und Zukunft, auf Abwesendes und Entferntes, selten

viel vermögen. - Demgemäß wird man als den Grundfehler des

weiblichen Charakters Ungerechtigkeit finden. Er entsteht

zunächst aus dem dargelegten Mangel an Vernünftigkeit und

Ueberlegung, wird zudem aber noch dadurch unterstützt, daß sie,

als die schwächeren, von der Natur nicht auf die Kraft, sondern

auf die List angewiesen sind: daher ihre instinktartige

Verschlagenheit und ihr unvertilgbarer Hang zum Lügen. Denn, wie

den Löwen mit Klauen und Gebiß, den Elephanten mit Stoßzähnen,

den Eber mit Hauern, den Stier mit Hörnern und die Sepia mit der

wassertrübenden Tinte, so hat die Natur das Weib mit

Verstellungskraft ausgerüstet, zu seinem Schutz und Wehr, und

hat alle die Kraft, die sie dem Manne als körperliche Stärke und

Vernunft verlieh, dem Weibe in Gestalt jener Gabe zugewendet.

Die Verstellung ist ihm demnach angeboren, deshalb auch fast so

sehr dem dummen, wie dem klugen Weibe eigen. Von derselben bei

jeder Gelegenheit Gebrauch zu machen ist ihm daher so natürlich,

wie jenen Thieren, bei Angriff, sogleich ihre Waffen anzuwenden,

und empfindet es sich dabei gewissermaßen als seine Rechte

gebrauchend. Darum ist ein ganz wahrhaftes, unverstelltes Weib

vielleicht unmöglich. Eben deshalb durchschauen sie fremde

Verstellung so leicht, daß es nicht rathsam ist, ihnen gegenü

ber, es damit zu versuchen. - Aus dem aufgestellten Grundfehler

und seinen Beigaben entspringt aber Falschheit, Treulosigkeit,

Verrath, Undank u. s. w. Der gerichtlichen Meineide machen

Weiber sich viel öfter schuldig, als Männer. Es ließe sich ü

berhaupt in Frage stellen, ob sie zum Eide zuzulassen sind. -

Von Zeit zu Zeit wiederholt sich überall der Fall, daß Damen,

denen nichts abgeht, in Kaufmannsläden etwas heimlich einstecken

und entwenden. Weil im Grunde die Weiber ganz allein zur

Propagation des Geschlechts da sind und ihre Bestimmung hierin

aufgeht; so leben sie durchweg mehr in der Gattung, als In den

Individuen, nehmen es in ihrem Herzen ernstlicher mit den

Angelegenheiten der Gattung, als mit den individuellen. Dies

giebt ihrem ganzen Wesen und Treiben einen gewissen Leichtsinn

und überhaupt eine von der des Mannes von Grund aus verschiedene

Richtung, aus welcher die so häufige und fast normale

Uneinigkeit in der Ehe erwächst. Das niedrig gewachsene,

schmalschultrige, breithüftige und kurzheinige Geschlecht das

schöne nennen konnte nur der vom Geschlechtstrieb umnebelte

männliche Intellekt: in diesem Triebe nämlich steckt seine ganze

Schönheit. Mit mehr Fug, als das schöne, könnte man das

weibliche Geschlecht das unästhetische nennen. Weder für Musik,

noch Poesie, noch bildende Künste haben sie wirklich und

wahrhaftig Sinn und Empfänglichkeit; sondern bloße Aefferei, zum

Behuf ihrer Gefallsucht, ist es, wenn sie solche affektiren und

vorgeben. Das macht, sie sind keines rein objektiven Antheils an

irgend etwas fähig, und der Grund hievon ist, denke ich,

folgender. Der Mann strebt in Allem eine direkte Herrschaft über

die Dinge an, entweder durch Verstehen oder durch Bezwingen

derselben. Aber das Weib ist immer und überall auf eine bloße

indirekte Herrschaft verwiesen, nämlich mittels des Mannes, als

welchen allein es direkt zu beherrschen hat. Darum liegt es in

der Weiber Natur, Alles nur als Mittel, den Mann zu gewinnen,

anzusehn, und ihr Antheil an irgend etwas Anderem ist immer nur

ein simulirter, ein bloßer Umweg, d. h. läuft auf Koketterie und

Aefferei hinaus. Sie sind sexus sequior [das geringere

Geschlecht], das in jedem Betracht zurückstehende, zweite

Geschlecht, dessen Schwäche man demnach schonen soll, aber

welchem Ehrfurcht zu bezeugen über die Maßen lächerlich ist und

uns in ihren eigenen Augen herabsetzt. Als die Natur das

Menschengeschlecht in zwei Hälften spaltete, hat sie den Schnitt

nicht gerade durch die Mitte geführt. Bei aller Polarität ist

der Unterschied des positiven vom negativen Pol kein bloß

qualitativer, sondern zugleich ein quantitativer. - So haben

eben auch die Alten und die orientalischen Völker die Weiber

angesehen und danach die ihnen angemessene Stellung viel

richtiger erkannt als wir mit unsrer altfranzösischen Galanterie

und abgeschmackter Weiberveneration, dieser höchsten Blüthe

christlich-germanischer Dummheit, welche nur gedient hat, sie so

arrogant und rücksichtslos zu machen, daß man bisweilen an die

heiligen Affen in Benares erinnert wird, welche, im Bewußtsein

ihrer Heiligkeit und Unverletzlichkeit, sich Alles und Jedes

erlaubt halten.

Sex jokes

http://digitalconsciousness.net/jokes/sex.phtml


 

This is the Cummplete of All, And What Was not Indended:

 

 

Witze, Jokes, and Unbelievables, between the Sexes.............................................................................. 1

Die Gute Fee....................................................................................................................................... 1

Das Universum der Schildkröten .......................................................................................................... 1

Aus der Genesis.................................................................................................................................. 1

Garten Eden, Ver. IV......................................................................................................................... 1

Garten Eden, Ver. V.......................................................................................................................... 1

Garten Eden, Ver. VI......................................................................................................................... 1

Spiritual................................................................................................................................................ 2

What is god?....................................................................................................................................... 2

The Lord Provides............................................................................................................................... 2

US Bumper Stickers............................................................................................................................ 2

God is missing..................................................................................................................................... 3

Made by God...................................................................................................................................... 3

Religious............................................................................................................................................... 3

The Pope's Tour.................................................................................................................................... 3

Some more............................................................................................................................................ 9

Foreign Languages............................................................................................................................... 9

The Frog........................................................................................................................................... 10

Only In Merry Olde England (actual trial)............................................................................................. 11

Class Assingment............................................................................................................................... 11

The Golden Saloon............................................................................................................................ 11

Golf.................................................................................................................................................. 12

Contest............................................................................................................................................. 12

T-G-I-F............................................................................................................................................ 12

Punk................................................................................................................................................. 13

Barbie............................................................................................................................................... 13

Battery.............................................................................................................................................. 13

The Art of Sales................................................................................................................................ 13

Pysudonom....................................................................................................................................... 14

This is truly the end of civilization as we know it.................................................................................. 14

Cars.................................................................................................................................................. 15

Redneck Family Tree......................................................................................................................... 16

Tickle-Me-Elmo................................................................................................................................ 17

It Keeps Growing........................................................................................................................ 17

Chinese Food................................................................................................................................. 17

Biker............................................................................................................................................... 17

Art.................................................................................................................................................... 18

Even more........................................................................................................................................ 18

Jagermeister................................................................................................................................... 18

The Hyper-Active Aphrodisiac........................................................................................................ 18

Mental Health................................................................................................................................ 19

Friends.......................................................................................................................................... 19

The Genie.................................................................................................................................... 20

Hen Service................................................................................................................................... 20

Elbow Pain.................................................................................................................................... 21

Fruit.............................................................................................................................................. 21

Bump............................................................................................................................................ 22

Saddle........................................................................................................................................... 22

Neighbor....................................................................................................................................... 22

Ghost............................................................................................................................................ 22

Abstaining from sex........................................................................................................................ 23

Examination................................................................................................................................... 23

A little rhyme................................................................................................................................. 23

The Genie..................................................................................................................................... 24

Oregon Whale................................................................................................................................ 24

Performance Evaluations............................................................................................................. 25

Safety Announcement: Bear Warning.......................................................................................... 26

Why did the chicken cross the road?................................................................................................ 26

Great Marketing Screw-Ups............................................................................................................ 27

Essay............................................................................................................................................ 28

Airplane Windshields...................................................................................................................... 29

S.Africans take flamethrower aboard to fight crime........................................................................... 29

Exxon Oil Spill............................................................................................................................... 30

Mental disturbance......................................................................................................................... 30

Terrorist Bomb.............................................................................................................................. 31

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!......................................................................................... 31

Warning Labels........................................................................................................................... 31

Harley Davidson................................................................................................................................ 33

Naked Couple.................................................................................................................................... 33

A Good Man is Hard to...................................................................................................................... 34

Seen at the Beach............................................................................................................................ 34

Sex life.............................................................................................................................................. 35

Here's A Few Tips............................................................................................................................. 35

Eve................................................................................................................................................... 36

The Garden of Eden........................................................................................................................ 36

Adams Rib........................................................................................................................................ 38

Dog and Cat...................................................................................................................................... 38

The Rride.......................................................................................................................................... 39

Get Some Knickers............................................................................................................................ 39

A Virgins guide to sex in the 90s.......................................................................................................... 40

How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time............................................................................................... 42

Schopenhauer, die Weiber.................................................................................................................. 42

Sex jokes............................................................................................................................................. 45

This is the Cummplete of All, And What Was not Indended:............................................................... 47